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Kevin Kline

SUPER SECRETS of the SQL Server Illuminati ... REVEALED!

Originally appearing at KevinEKline.com at http://wp.me/p3rOiF-1ww. 

It was a dark and stormy night as the secret conclave assembled upon the wind-blasted prairie lands of anonymous South Dakota. It could have been anywhere in North America, so non-descript and featureless was the place. Lightning flecked the darkened sky as they came, in ones and twos, wearing their long, charcoal colored robes, cowls covering their faces. Each one bearing in their left hand, the hand-calligraphed vellum scroll describing the exact details and protocols of the secret gathering.

Reaching the place, they stood, silently and watchfully, all eyes upon the sole figure to wear any ornamentation, standing atop and in the center of a large metallic platform raise about a foot above the prairie grass. It was a long-abandoned ICBM launch tube. At the pre-appointed time, this tall and solitary figure, different from the others only because of his bright crimson sash, thrust a clenched fist skyward exposing a lithe, hirsute arm. Lightning burst across the sky. Some of the figures twitched and glanced about nervously, but all maintained their silence.

Setting his scroll before him, the figure then brought his hands to his cowl, throwing it back. And in another quick gesture, dropped the robe to the ground. Finally, he held his two hands together before his chest, locking them, and then slowly rotating for all the attendees to see that they were to join hands. They mimicked him in unison, dropping their robes and locking hands in a giant ring, one-hundred and one persons in total, ringing the platform. The assembled figures now looked much more common, in their street clothes and, now that they were able to see one another, were clearly relieved by sighting a variety of familiar faces, somewhat like this:

national_lampoons_animal_house_01

"You, the SQL Server Illuminati, are now assembled and convened! We are gathered together by our mutual lover for SQL Server and overall distrust of Oracle, MS Access, and Mimes!"

"Never trust a mime," they said in unison.

"I will now bestow your SECRET Illuminati names," said the speaker. "If you ever broach the sacred trust of the Illuminati, or should I say 'Illumin-NAUGHTY', " there were chuckles all around, "you will be forever forced to buy us drinks and may, upon our discretion, be roasted alive with a side of Mimes."

"Never trust a mime," they said in unison.

"I will now bestow the sacred and super secret names!" said the spokesperson. Stepping to the first person in the circle, he began "Raise your right hand and repeat your new SUPER SECRET name. I now dub thee:"

- Frances Fritzfancy Down-Underwear
- Daniel Dinsmore Tackadoo
- No-shoulders Sabrina
- DBA Zero, the Disease Starter
- Sistery Brothery Bob
- Nathaniel the Spaniel
- Floyd, the Austrian Tree Surgeon
- Ivan Drago-my-eggo
- Ford Prefect Danglebritches
- Wicked Fausto Fourteen-toes
- Name Withheld
- The Tarnosed Tarheel
- McWilliams Fancypants the Clairvoyant
- Checkpoint Charlie Chesthair
- Senator Cletus Scroffpossoum
- Balloonpopper Chillingsworth
- Flemish Finn, the Ambiguous European
- Jokestealer McGee
- Canadian Football Steve, "CFL"
- Beef-or-Chicken Tim Nubbins
- Oscar Ox-hands Operand
- Lil Gina Songbird, the Songbird Eater
- Hannibal Lecturer
- Stungun "Don't tase me bro" Edwards
- Chrystler Lebaron
- General Zod, the Deadlock Resolver
- Marx the Pumpkin-Patch Crooner
- Spasmodic Hilary, Subscriber
- Cthulhu Squidbeard, Publisher
- Stick-Legs McMutton, Distributor
- Prostate Dave, the Service Broker
- Miles Butterball, the Turkey Defroster
- Peter Parker, the Car Valet
- Crustytrousers the Stiff
- Lintstockings, the DBA Benjamin Disraeli
- DB Bedazzler
- Del Folksybeard
- No-banjo Burnes
- Cincinnati O'Gurk of Germany
- Phoenix O'Sullivan of Sweden
- Dallas O'Mally of Netherlands
- Doc Aquatic
- Louis "Mr Plausible" Ladyfingers
- Beatrice Benchmark Bewigged
- Change Data Capture Chalmers, Esq.
- Baron Von Snapshot
- Ghost Nose Cleanup
- Rollback Schmoleback
- Ambidextrous Stan
- Sherlock-Holmes-Hat Niall
- Thundertwine Workerthreads
- Pseudotable Abe the Deleted
- Fu Manchu Temptoodles
- Hard-flossing Ulysses
- Canadian Paul Pants-Too-High
- Deny Grant Revoke, the Complete Sentence DBA
- Commodore Sixty-Four, Born in 1964
- Mr Manx MacGruber, the Tailless Tool Guy
- Tommy "Lice-comb" Latches
- Nick Nolte
- Mad Microfiche Mladin
- Dora the Plan Explorer
- Honey Bunches of Amit
- Hugo Crispy Stillwagon, the Man with Handlebar Eyebrows
- Genius L. Cravat, the Gentleman DBA
- The Moor of Venice or, at least, Italy
- Sausage Patty McSavepoint
- Gil Sharpnails, the Back-Scratching Developer
- Craine "Too-Tall" Eyebrow-Smeller
- SOX Monster
- Magnus Shareware Shortwave
- Longtime Listener, First-Time Caller
- Colonel Kurtz Commit
- Winston Winnipeg WHERE Clause
- Sackfist, the Frenchhorn Fanatic
- Tinfoil Hat Tony
- Sir Francis Drank Drink Drunk
- Three-Bean Ortez, ORDER BY viscousity
- Muttonchops the Bionic
- Shirtstains the Myopic
- Mariah Duckface, the Selfie Queen
- Saves-Receipt Randy
- NULL, the Riddle-Maker
- Plegmatic Felix Fulltext
- If-This Then-That Alex
- ALTER TABLE Tabitha
- Forktongue Gavin Forks
- Overly Familiar Joseph
- Pring, Overlord of the DBA Jungle
- Pennywise, Bulk-Insert Foolish
- Astonishing Eyelashes Dana
- Zipcar Cloucester Cluck
- Strictly Local DB Henry
- Two-phase Commitment Shy Geoff
- Flaky-palms Antonio
- Semi-Join Sheryl
- Buffer Pool Shark McQueen
- Promiscuous Concurrency Peter
- Marky Mark and the Funky Socks
- Cheesehead Chuck, Owner the Most Productive Ear Canals in Canada

AND

- Paul Randal

"Now, let the drinking begin!", said the spokesperson. A rousing hooray was raised, and so begin the first of the SUPER SECRET SQL SERVER ILLUMINATI meetings.


So, you might be asking, why would I share a SUPER SECRET story like this? And I have two reasons. First, I wasn't invited. And second, I was already buying a lot of the drinks anyway. So I figure, what's new?

Here's your challenge, can you match the SUPER SECRET name to the actual SQL Server MVP, author, blogger, or speaker KNOWING that the names are intended to obfuscate and mask the true owner?!?

Tell me your guess. I'll give you a prize if you win. And I promise to keep it a SUPER SECRET.

-Kevin

-Follow me on Twitter!
-Google Author

Published Tuesday, April 01, 2014 11:43 AM by KKline
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Comments

 

WTF said:

WTF

March 1, 2015 9:29 PM
 

wtf said:

wtf omg

April 26, 2015 4:13 PM
 

johnson alex said:

Are you a business man, politician, musical, student and you want to be rich, powerful and be

famous in life or need a power to achieving your dreams. You can achieve your dreams by beaning

a member of the Illuminati. With this all your dreams and heart desire can be fully accomplish,

if you really want to be a member of the great Illuminati then you can contact

on this email templeilluminati13@gmail.com or call our temple number: +2348105217305

August 28, 2015 12:38 PM
 

johnson alex said:

REAL ILLUMINATI WORLD WIDE..Hello everyone I

am Johnson alex AM from usa,i am one of the Agents

sent by the Lord superior (Grand master) to bring

as many of those who are interested in becoming a

member of the great Illuminati [together we

shall rule the world],i am a business man,i own a

Construction company in France and i also own

one of the Biggest Electronic Appliance shop in

Accra Ghana and my family now lives in usa.I was

once like you,me & my wife were financially down

to 1 square meal a day, what kind of life was that

to live,i lived in poverty until i saw an opportunity

to be a member of the GREAT ILLUMINATI

BROTHERHOOD and I took my chances and i have

been a member for close to 8 years now.The

higher you get the richer you become. Illuminati

makes your business grow faster than you can

ever imagine,are you a

WORKER,MUSICIAN,FOOTBALLER,ACTOR,FARMER,PASTOR

what ever you do,Illuminati brings out the talent in

you and make you famous,as you become a

member of temple Illuminati13 you will receive a huge

amount of money instantly on your Bank Account

given to the brotherhood,these and many more

other benefits you stand to gain,so if you are

interested to be a member contact us via NOTE;

JOINING THE ILLUMINATI BRINGS YOU INTO THE

LIMELIGHT OF THE WORLD IN WHICH YOU LIVE IN

TODAY. YOUR FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES ARE

BROUGHT TO AN END. WE SUPPORT YOU BOTH

FINANCIALLY AND MATERIALLY TO ENSURE YOU

LIVE A COMFORTABLE LIFE. IT DOES NOT MATTER

WHICH PART OF THE WORLD YOU LIVE IN. FROM

THE UNITED STATES DOWN TO THE MOST REMOTE

PART OF THE EARTH, WE BRING YOU ALL YOU

WANT. BEING AN ILLITERATE OR A LITERATE IS

NOT A BARRIER TO BEING A MILLIONAIRE

BETWEEN TODAY AND THE NEXT TWO WEEKS. YOU

BEING IN THIS OUR OFFICIAL WEBSITE TODAY

SIGNIFIES THAT IT WAS ORDERED AND ARRANGED

BY THE GREAT LUCIFER THAT FROM NOW ON, YOU

ARE ABOUT TO BE THAT REAL AND INDEPENDENT

HUMAN YOU HAVE ALWAYS WISHED YOU WERE.

WE DON?T DISCRIMINATE IF YOU ARE WHITE OR

BLACK,ILLUMINATI BRINGS YOU INTO THE

LIMELIGHT OF THE WORLD IN WHICH YOU LIVE IN

TODAY. YOUR DREAM AND HEART DESIRE SHALL COME THROUGH.WE CARE ABOUT THE NEEDS.JUST EMAIL US AT templeilluminati13@gmail.comOR CALL THIS ONLINE NUMBER +2348105217305

August 28, 2015 12:49 PM

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About KKline

Kevin Kline is a well-known database industry expert, author, and speaker. Kevin is a long-time Microsoft MVP and was one of the founders of PASS, www.sqlpass.org.

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